


Letters to Douglas

by telemachus



Category: JONES Diana Wynne - Works, Ogre Downstairs - Diana Wynne Jones
Genre: F/M, Gen, Growing Up, M/M, overprotective Douglas, what happened later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 12:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8103220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telemachus/pseuds/telemachus
Summary: When Douglas (as the eldest) goes to university, his siblings write to him, this being 1976, no mobiles, no email, phone calls are expensive.....And stuff happens.
Even without magicraft, they were never an easy group of kids.





	1. First Year

**Author's Note:**

> I've guessed their relative ages from the fact that Malcolm is in year 3 secondary (now year 9, British), Caspar is a year above, Johnny a year below, Gwinny still at juniors (say year 5?) & Douglas in "senior school" which i am interpreting as Sixth Form (year 12, British). 
> 
>  
> 
> .

_Michaelmas Term_

Dear Douglas,

I hope you’re feeling a bit settled in by now. Father didn’t tell us much about the room or anything, just that it was luxury compared to his day. But he always says that kind of thing. And I’m sure it’s nicer than the studies at school were, not that I ever had one of those, but anyway. The house is quiet without you. Father says he hadn’t realised how much of the racket you were responsible for, you must have been getting away with murder for years, he has words for you when you get back. But that’s just his way of saying he misses you too, you know that.

I say quiet, well, quieter maybe. Caspar has a new enthusiasm, not India Rubber anymore, something else, I don’t know what yet. It’s loud though. He’s been helping me with my French again, now you aren’t around. He says I just need to relax when I’m speaking, if I can write it and read it and understand the listening, then I can speak it, but he would, he’s good at talking. Anyway, it’s nice of him to try and help.

Part of me feels I ought to keep an eye on Gwinny at school, as it’s her first year, but then, I’m not sure having Malcolm McIntyre as a big brother is awfully helpful. Johnny is around I suppose, and he is probably more use to her. Still, I did say if she got stuck with anything she could ask me, work-wise, so long as it isn't French that is, but then Caspar can help at home. 

Not much else to say really. Stuff just goes on……

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Good, I’m glad you’ve got nice neighbours, and the food is alright, and work ok so far. I told Sally you were glad of the biscuits and mugs, that she was right about tea and chocolate being a good thing to get people talking, and she laughed. Father muttered about not being there for chat, hoping you were taking studying seriously, and she laughed some more, so maybe he was joking. I don’t suppose he’ll write to you, he never was much good at letters.

Caspar is still trying to improve my French. At least I can give it up at the end of this year, but I need to get a reasonable result. 

We went swimming yesterday, trying to teach Gwinny to dive. She hates putting her head under, and I can remember when I didn’t like that either so I showed her diving from sitting on the side, like you did with me. I don’t think she’ll ever be enthusiastic, but it was fun anyway. Caspar thanked me afterwards, said he’d never have thought of that…….

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Of course I won’t tell Father about Jane. What do you take me for? When did I ever tell him stuff? And ok, if you want, I won’t mention her to anyone else either, though I don’t really see why not. 

Gwinny’s swimming is improving, a bit, thank you. I told her you said if she could learn to dive properly by the time you’re home for Christmas, you’d buy her a hot chocolate and a bun in the café, and she seemed to think that was worthwhile. 

Father was a bit unimpressed (understatement!) this weekend, because his shrubs got a bit knocked about when Caspar and I were playing football. He blamed both of us, which Caspar said was only fair, because if he were worse or I was better less of the goals would have got past me. Still. It’s ok, he didn’t get really cross – that time. But I guess we should be careful…….

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Right, so not Jane, now it’s Stella that I’m not to mention. Are you doing any work at all? (joke) Honestly, I don’t go reading out your letters, I know better than that. And even Gwinny wouldn’t ask me to. She’d love it if you could find time to write to her, just once or twice, you know. I think school’s a bit hard at the moment, I don’t know, girl-stuff maybe. We’ve not been swimming for a bit, she seems to have gone off it, or something, she sort of looked at me funny last time I suggested it, so I haven’t again. We watch Saturday night films quite a bit, when Sally and Father are out, her and me and Caspar. Johnny is always off doing something. Probably better not to ask what, you know Johnny.

Have you heard any of _Bright Light’s_ stuff? Caspar has been playing it for weeks, and it kind of grows on you. Well, on me. Father seems less impressed (understatement)……..

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

No, I didn’t hear from Mother. I don’t know how she had your address. Maybe Father gave it her. Or would it have been something they had to fill in for your grant? I don’t know. Glad she is ok, anyway, and it’s up to you if you want to go out there to see her, I don’t mind. But if she didn’t ask, I won’t ask to come. Maybe if you were to be travelling you could drop by, perhaps that’s the best thing to say, in the summer? Talk to Stella about it – if you do talk to Stella? (joke)

Went swimming with Gwinny again yesterday, and she is definitely getting better. It’s the water in her eyes she hates, she says. I don’t know what you can do about that, really. Afterwards we went to the library, which was nice of Caspar to wait, because he doesn’t really read much, but he came with us anyway. He’s still helping with my French, we speak it in his room with the music on, and it helps, actually, not being able to hear myself so much. Plus he says if I can think with background noise like that, then thinking in an exam will be easy. I’m not sure, but he did ok in his O-levels, so maybe he knows what he’s talking about. I guess its ok sometimes. He’s talking a lot about which university to apply to at the moment. I can’t quite believe he’ll be gone in two years, it’ll be so quiet. Although Johnny will be here of course, so perhaps not that quiet……..

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas, 

No, I’m not stressed with you, I just didn’t want to keep writing if you weren’t interested. And if someone doesn’t answer letters, you do rather think they aren’t interested. It’s fine. I know you’re really busy. And of course I don’t mind about Mother. I don’t really know why I’m writing now, except you sounded cross, but you’ll be home soon after you get this. 

I thought to buy Gwinny goggles for swimming, and she seemed pleased, and then we didn’t go for a couple of weeks, so I thought not, but then Sally spoke to me, and oh. Girl-stuff. I hadn’t realised. You could have said, if you’d worked it out. So Caspar and I told Gwinny to just say when she wanted to go, and we won’t keep asking. But if she doesn’t say while you’re at home, you might just have to buy her a hot chocolate and a bun somewhere else instead, without making a big thing of it, because she has learnt to dive properly now. Well, kind of………

 

 

_Hilary Term_

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Thankyou for letting me come with Sally to drop you off this time. It’s really nice to have seen your room and everywhere. Caspar didn’t mean to be rude, but he knows he isn't going to do as well as you, so there’s no point him looking round and thinking about applying to Cambridge, and it would just get Father’s hopes up. And of course Sally doesn’t mind, she understands, and it isn't like it’s their father’s old college quite the same. Nor Sally’s either of course. 

Caspar’s been trying to persuade me to talk to Father about what I want to do for A-levels and beyond. He says the sooner I talk to him, the better, let him rant and get it out of his system, he’s got you there, I should do what I want. But. I keep hoping that something will happen and make it easier. (any ideas?) I should have talked to you over Christmas but there wasn’t time somehow. I don’t want to do straight chemistry, and of course Cambridge doesn’t do that anyway in the first year, you have to do Natural Sciences, and there’s a course at UMIST I really like – I’ve been looking at some of Caspar’s prospecti. He’s talking about going to Manchester as well. And he wants to have a year in France first (though I don’t know how that’s going to go down with Sally, and it mayn’t be up to Father, but I’m not sure he’ll agree), so we’d go at the same time, which would be really cool. We’ve been talking about it a lot.

Yes, Johnny is like that all the time. He’s been like it for months now. I don’t know. He seems ok at school, but I don’t see much of him……..

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Yes, I know UMIST isn't really a proper university as you put it, and all that, which seems really to mean it wasn’t founded in ancient times and doesn’t have hundreds of stupid bloody traditions and public school types. I’d thought we both had enough of that years ago. But the course there looks marvellous and most people get jobs which is more than can be said for a lot of proper universities and proper subjects. I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue, and especially not by post, but please let me make my own decisions sometimes. I’m not a little boy anymore. And I’m not just trying to fit in with the Brents. I don’t know why you had to be so unpleasant. I didn’t think it was like that anymore.

I don’t have anything else to say right now.

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Ok, we’ll leave it then, and talk about it another time. As you say, it doesn’t affect A-level choices, and I need to just get through O-levels at the moment. 

I don’t know what you should do for Stella for Valentine’s day, a card, roses? Chocolates? Meal out? Isn't that what you’re supposed to do? What about a mix-tape? So she knows you’ve thought about her. Or is that a bit soppy?

Johnny has been even worse recently. Slamming doors and shouting about everything. Sally and Father had a row about it, but it wasn’t exactly a row because Sally was sort of agreeing with him only she doesn’t know what to do either, she just keeps saying but none of the others are like that. Which we aren’t. They didn’t know we could hear them, of course, but Caspar and I were washing up from dinner, and they were only in the dining room – I think they just forgot about us – and we couldn’t help it. I asked Caspar if he knew why, and he just shrugged, so I don’t know. Johnny is a bit difficult sometimes. After we’d finished we just went off and read Gwinny a long story, she’s too old now really, but she likes it when we do the voices together, and then we retreated to Caspar’s room while Sally and Father had a long chat with Johnny. It didn’t help much………

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I thought we were going to leave that sort of thing? No, I don’t see why Johnny should be fed up just because Caspar and I get on better than with him. It’s his choice to be so grumpy and difficult. And anyway, we don’t always. We had a real argument the other day because he made me a tape of stuff to put on while I’m working (not that I do much, but it was a nice thought) and he put on loads of the sort of thing I’d never listen to just because he likes it and he thinks I should, or something. And all he could say was at least he’d bothered, but I never asked him to.

Took Gwinny swimming and the library again this morning, and it’s working. Both her swimming is better, and Caspar even got a book out. Took the last one back too, because he’d finished it. Which is something of a revolution for Caspar, so there, I am doing good in the world. (joke) Going to play football now, since it’s stopped raining for once, more later….

Sorry, not much more tonight. Don’t feel so great. Football wasn’t a good plan. Damaged prize something-or-others. Father very cross. Sore. Haven’t eaten. Been sick twice. 

Sunday now. Sorry. Am ok now. Bit tired, didn’t sleep well. Haven’t got much work to do, which is a good thing, because I don’t think I can concentrate well. Caspar been very nice, stayed up with me until I slept, and he got it worse than I did, as usual, and he’s promised if we want to play again we’ll remember to go to the park or something. Don’t worry, and don’t say anything to Sally. She’ll be home Wednesday, and I don’t want her to know or she’ll think she can’t go anywhere without taking all of us, and it’s not like she’s off having fun (wouldn’t matter if she was) her poor mum so ill. 

Honestly, Douglas, don’t worry. I’m ok, or I will be, and Caspar is great. Father doesn’t mean it, I know, it’s just me overreacting.

Glad Stella was happy, I meant to say, that’s nice. Say hi to her from me – do I ever get to meet her? No, of course no Valentine’s cards here. Maybe that’s why Johnny is so grumpy, now I think. I’ll ask Caspar…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

It’s all fine now. Sally home. Her mother is ok, I think, but just old. She might have to go into a Home, or something, but she’s ok for now. Thank you for asking, I told Sally, and it made her really happy. Well, kind of. She’s not awfully happy at the moment.

No, I know, I shouldn’t have got myself into trouble with Father. It was my fault, and no, I know you aren’t blaming Caspar. (except you are a bit I can tell). You don’t have to feel you have to come home at Easter for longer than you want. Of course not. I’m ok. Go up to Stella’s, meet her family, I think that’s lovely. But you’ll have to say something to Father and Sally. No idea what. Sally will be cool, but maybe you should just say friend to Father? I don’t know. 

No swimming this week, but Gwinny looked really down, so we went to the library and a café. Hot chocolate and buns seem to help, Caspar and I have found. He’s read another book, it’s a miracle. (joke). Saturday evening in front of the telly, I predict.

School is fine, yes, French is going ok, everything else is more than ok. Even Father had to be pleased with my mocks. Caspar’s got agreement from Sally about the year-in-France, she thinks it’s a splendid idea with him wanting to do languages, so that’s ok. I don’t think Father can do much except grumble. I am looking at different places, don’t be bossy, I don’t have my heart set on anything…..

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Come home, please. Or let me come up and stay for a bit. I can’t bear to be here right now. Something awful happened. It’s all my fault. I just, I thought, I thought that it was, I thought, I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell you. I kissed Caspar. Just easily. Because I thought. I thought that was where we were. I thought that was what he wanted too. I really did. And I’ve never even said it aloud, but I am, I’ve known for ages. I’m gay. Queer. A fairy. A poof. Please Douglas, say you don’t care. Say you knew. Please. He hasn’t told anyone. Thank god. At least he hasn’t told anyone. Its bad enough. I can’t bear to think what Father would say. Or Sally, not really. I don’t know if Gwinny would care, maybe not, but Johnny. Words fail. Please Douglas. Please. It just happened. And of all the times. Not anywhere private. Just in the kitchen, washing up, mucking around, and he leant over and I kissed him and for a moment I thought it was ok it hadn’t occurred to me it might not be and then he and pulled away and shocked and horrified and ran away and now we can’t I can’t look at him and its like silence all the time and we don’t do any of the things we did together and he isn't even my friend anymore and doesn’t see me at school or anything or at home he doesn’t talk to me and I have to sit at the table and just not look at him I can’t look at him and its all my fault and how could I have been so stupid things don’t happen like that and all this time he’s just been being brotherly and he must feel sick and its my fault and please Douglas come home I need you get me away from here tell me its ok please Douglas.

 

_Malcolm doesn’t post that letter._  
_He burns it._

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Sorry for the radio silence as you put it. Just been busy working really, I don’t seem to do much between school and work and more work.

No, I haven’t been swimming with Gwinny recently. Or anything. 

I don’t know about coming to stay in the summer. Maybe. It rather depends on Father. Will you still be up by the time I’ve finished exams? It would be nice. I think. If you can be doing with me, I don’t want to be a nuisance.

Yes, Father is disappointed you aren’t coming for longer at Easter, but I think he understands really, he hasn’t been cross about it, just a bit quiet. Sally keeps telling him he should be asking if you want to bring Stella home either then or in the summer, and he sort of looks at her like he doesn’t know the words. So I’m telling you. If you want, I think you’d best talk to Sally about it, or just announce it maybe. It’d be good to see you anyway.

Where are you planning for the summer then? Tell me all about it. Father says no holiday for any of us this year after Johnny’s behaviour last year. Not that I think he minds in the least, he never seems to care about anything much. They’ve been out quite a bit recently, they seem to get away with more than you ever did. Or me, but then I never try……..

 

 

 

_Trinity Term_  

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Right in the thick of exam preparation now, revision, revision all the way. Seem to have spent all Easter in my room, and most of this term too I suppose. So perhaps it’s as well you were only here the three nights. I’m glad you and Father seemed to get on alright.

Grape picking in the summer sounds brilliant. Is it really a big group of you going, or just you and Stella? Good idea to tell Father that either way. And I’m quite excited you might bring her here for a bit first, it would be nice to meet her.

Work goes ok, thank you. No, I’m not still practising French with Caspar. He is busy. He and Johnny are out a lot like I said before. They have girlfriends who are great friends, so they are always out with them.

I hope your revision is going ok, and Stella’s too. Are you really going to get black-tie to go to a ball? I suppose it might be fun, and if she is keen maybe you should. Photo please, or I’ll never believe it. (joke)

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

No, honestly, it’s fine. I didn’t really think me coming up would work out too well with exams. And Gwinny deserves the treat. I think Father and Sally rather like the idea of a weekend away themselves, and with Johnny off on a school trip it makes sense. They seem to trust Caspar and I. I daresay he will be out or whatever, we won’t be spending time together.

Work is going ok I think. It’s at the point where it’s hard to tell now, really. I just keep slogging on, but no, I don’t really have plans for the rest of the summer. I can’t imagine why you’d think Father might let me go away with friends even if I wanted to. I’ll probably end up taking Gwinny swimming and getting ahead with the reading for next year, which can hardly be a bad thing I suppose…….

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Well, that obviously went well. Gwinny has come back looking like she had the best time ever, and full of Douglas this and Stella that – Johnny going round looking thoroughly annoyed about it. Sally and Father seem to have had a nice time as well (yuck, don’t want to take that thought further), and barely even raised eyebrows about the state of the kitchen. I tried, but you know what I’m like at that sort of thing, and of course Caspar doesn’t even see mess. 

It was fine, don’t worry, we just didn’t spend time together. We don’t anymore. He has his friends and music and stuff, and I have work. We were never such great friends, as you put it, he just helped me out with French a bit. That’s all. Honestly, back off. There’s no need for you to sort him out. I’m not a little boy anymore, I don’t need you to protect me.

But thank you.

Exams, well, so far so good, I guess. At least, I think so. I don’t suppose I’ll do as well as you did, but hopefully ok. And then I can start thinking properly about courses. 

Sally said they met Stella, and she was lovely, you might like to know. That’s the only thing that feels a bit odd, me not knowing her at all. So yes, if you could try and bring her here on the way to France maybe, I’d really like to meet her. You sound pretty definite about her. And it feels weird to ask but are you going to see Mother or not? I don’t mind, honest, just if you are I should maybe write or something. It’s been years now, I was working it out the other day, must be twelve years almost since she left. I’m not honestly sure I’d recognise her, but I suppose you were older, you’d know her better.

See you soon, I guess I can put that now, after these exams are over. I hope your results are ok, sure they will be…….

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Thank you very much for letting me come and stay with you. I had a lovely time. I really enjoyed meeting your friends, especially Stella, and eating Chinese food was really different. Thank you. I think Mum and your Dad had a nice time too, Mum looked all pretty and happy all the way home, and your Dad didn’t even shout much when he saw the way the boys had left the house. It wasn’t Malcolm, even your Dad had to admit that, Malcolm doesn’t eat anywhere near enough to make all that washing up and he’d never eat pasta and cheese and leave the grater out and let it all go manky and stuck. In fact, I’m not sure Malcolm came out of his room all weekend to eat anything! He works very hard at the moment, like I said.

Anyway, we are looking forward very much to seeing you on your way to France, and I am looking forward to no school for six weeks! Thank you again for letting me stay,

Love from

Gwinny


	2. Second Year

_Michaelmas Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

Sally said your second-year room was nicer than last years, so that’s good. I hope you feel settled back in, and everything ok. It was really nice to have you here for a bit, but don’t worry about me. I am fine. Whatever Gwinny says, I eat plenty and I don’t see how working hard is a bad thing.

You’re right about sixth form being better than the rest of school, at least so far. A lot of the people I really didn’t like have left, and I seem to be getting on with other people a bit better now. Yes, alright, before you go on, I have agreed to go and look at Oxford and some other places, not just UMIST. I still don’t think I am good enough for Oxford, and I certainly don’t want to try for Cambridge because of the course. I keep saying that, but yes, it’s mostly that I don’t want Father going on. I will look about though, you’re right, I did well enough in the summer that I ought to. I still can’t believe I got better O-levels than you (did I mention it? – joke) and A in French! That examiner should be shot, but I am not complaining.

I have joined chess club. It’s a bit more serious and organised than the lower school one, and some of the same people go as are in classes with me, which is nice……..

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I am writing to tell you I have got into the school hockey team! I am so excited I am telling everyone. Caspar says it’s lovely if you like that sort of thing, and Johnny sneers, but Malcolm has been really nice about it, and even came with Mum to watch me on Saturday. (Your Dad was busy I think, or perhaps he didn’t want to leave the boys, I don’t know.) It was really fun, I played well, and we won by lots. Then Mum took us out for cake and hot chocolate.

Malcolm is going to start driving lessons next week on his birthday, just like you did. Mum said to me later that she will let him drive us to hockey if he keeps on coming, but she hasn’t told him, she wants to be sure he is ok first. Caspar is a bit unimpressed I think, because he still can’t drive, but then he didn’t want lessons, he wanted a new stereo, so what does he expect? If he and Johnny are going to sulk, they can just go out with their girlfriends and see if we care. 

Anyway, I hope you are well, and say hello to Stella for me.

Love from Gwinny

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I’m sorry, I just haven’t got round to writing quite as much as before. I suppose I am a bit busier now with chess and driving lessons as well, and watching Gwinny’s hockey. We’re not swimming so much, with that, but Sally has been letting me drive them. She is really nice and patient, and doesn’t mutter and put me off. Yes, I know you got on well with Father practising but I hated it the one time we went out. I felt sick worrying he would get cross. I know it’s silly but I did, so going with Sally is much nicer. Sometimes I even drive her to the supermarket just to get extra practice, though we have to park a long way from the shop, I’m not good at parking yet. I do like it though, and I’m determined to pass. Even if it takes me hundreds of tries. (joke)

Ok, ok, I admit, you were right and I was wrong. I am looking at lots of different places and courses, and although I still like UMIST, I might apply other places too. But I’m not sure where. Not Cambridge, that’s for sure, because of Father. If you were still going to be there, I might, but you’ll have left so there’s no point putting myself through that.

You’re being silly, saying you thought I was upset about Mother. I’m not, of course I’m not, I’m glad you saw her and got on well. I never expected her to send me anything, I just thought I ought to write, that’s all. It doesn’t matter. I’m glad she gave you some money, you need it more than me at the moment, and of course you shouldn’t hand over half, honest. 

And you know I liked Stella, you’re just fishing now. Yes, if I get a girlfriend I will tell you (unlikely though). I’m glad you are happy. Honest.

No, I don’t know why Johnny is Johnny. He just is. And if he and Caspar want to go out all the time and not do any work I don’t see what it is to do with me. Caspar speaks French like a native as far as I can tell anyway, and apparently his German is the same, and for all I know his Spanish, and that’s all he’s doing, so what does it matter? 

Best thing about sixth form is I don’t have to do football anymore, and nor do I have to see Johnny at school. Caspar is around of course, but we just ignore each other, so that’s ok. 

Are you really thinking about jobs already? What? And where?

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

It is nearly Christmas! So I thought I would send you a card, even though you will be home soon, just so you had something nice to put up. And because I wanted to tell you how well I played on Saturday. I scored five goals, which is the most I have ever scored in a first team game so I was very happy. Mum took us for hot chocolate and buns, and Malcolm drove really well, I meant to tell you, he even parked properly, reversing in and everything. I think he will take his test soon, he is really good at it. And he has been teaching me to play chess. He says I am nearly as good as you, so maybe we can play over the holidays a bit? It would be nice to play someone other than Malcolm, he is so good at it I know he only pretends to lose to be nice. 

Anyway, you don’t have to write back, I will see you soon,

Love from Gwinny

 

 

 

_Hilary Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

I don’t know why you couldn’t have said all that when you were here at Christmas. Oh wait, would that be because you know how much trouble you would have got in for shouting at me like I was some little urk? I don’t have to look after your sodding brother if I don’t want to, and he’s fine anyway. He doesn’t want me to look after him, he never did. And if you hadn’t bullied him so much over the years, maybe he’d be able to tell you so. It’s also none of your damn business what my brother spends his time doing. 

Have a good term, don’t hurry back,

Caspar

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I passed! I am officially a qualified driver. Father says this means I can come and collect you at the end of term, but I don’t think he means it, sadly. I haven’t been on a motorway yet for one thing. Still, I am very pleased with myself. Sally says I can borrow the car at weekends and stuff so long as I give her plenty of warning, but I’m not sure where I’d want to go. Apart from taking Gwinny to hockey, I suppose.

School is fine. I am in a chess tournament later in the month. Maybe I will need the car for that, I hadn’t thought about it. Thank you for playing with Gwinny over Christmas, she really enjoyed it……

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I think you should write to Malcolm a bit more. He is not very happy at the moment. Not that Malcolm is ever very happy, not in a being silly sort of way, but anyway. I don’t know why not, he is doing well at school, he has friends at chess and that, and he can drive. I’d always be happy if I could drive only its years away still.

I’m just telling you because I bet he won’t. Maybe in sixth form there is even more fuss about Valentine’s Day, I don’t know. Some of the girls in my class get really silly about it, and of course Johnny and Caspar both get lots of cards, and special ones from their girlfriends. I think they might be quite serious, though not as much as you and Stella, but I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to, only some of my year even see them and go all giggly, it’s really embarrassing. How is Stella? Are you home much over Easter? It would be really cool if you could be home in time to come to my last hockey match of term, I’d love that. I guess Malcolm might like not to be on his own on the sidelines as well. Mum used to come, and I know she hates not being able to so I don’t say anything but that’s the only time she can see Granny and she’s so ill now. At least with Malcolm driving she can use your Dad’s car which makes life easier for everyone.

Hope you are well,

Love from Gwinny

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Honestly. I don’t know what Gwinny meant, not really. School is fine, work is fine, everything is fine.

You know Gwinny, she likes a bit of drama. 

Home is fine too before you say it. Johnny is Johnny, Father seems to have given up with him. Sally is lovely but her mum is really not well now, and she is having to go over a lot, so food in the evenings is a bit scratch. Gwinny has taught me to cook a bit, and we make sure Father has something. Johnny and Caspar either sort themselves or go out. Yes, they go out a lot, no I don’t know how they get away with it, and yes, I have a nasty feeling about their exams this summer, but that isn't my problem. Caspar has his year out sorted, and his offer from Manchester was quite a bit below his predicted grades, so I suppose he feels secure. And of course Johnny only has to get five C’s to get into sixth form. 

I still haven’t decided where to apply. I still think chemical engineering sounds good, but I admit I’m wondering about biochemistry now. So yes, maybe you have a point about Cambridge and not needing to decide quite yet, but I don’t know. It’s the sort of thing I’d usually talk to Sally about, without the pressure from Father, but she’s a bit preoccupied. Maybe we can talk over Easter if you are home long enough.…..

 

 

_Trinity Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

Thank you for all the time over Easter, and for lunch the other day. I really enjoyed the driving as well, and being the one to drop you off this time. Sally was sorry she couldn’t take you, but I think Father thought it might spur me on to apply to Cambridge seeing you there. It hasn’t worked though. Like we said, the more I think, the more I am sure that biochemistry is the right one for me, and Oxford is better for that. And I like the idea of not following you and Father, sorry.

Chess prelims were yesterday, and went really well. We are through to the next round, not sure yet when or where that is, but it might be overnight somewhere. Father seems a bit bemused by the idea, but pleased that I am doing ok at something for a change. Gwinny is definitely getting better, isn't she? Given that she beat you hands down this time. (joke) And it was a good idea of yours to take her swimming, she is now on at me to take her most weekends now hockey has stopped. Not that I mind, I don’t have anything else much to do…….

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

It must be quite fun to go punting in this weather, and have your exams over with. At least I don’t really have proper ones this year, just school ones. Still, I need to do well with them being for predicted grades and UCAA and stuff. 

Thank you for coming to Gwinny’s hockey over Easter, did I say that? I’m not sure. And for not laughing at my driving, and for just – stuff. 

Sorry.

Anyway. School is fine, chess is good, though we have the big tournament coming up next weekend, and it’s away which is always a bit stressful. I am getting a lift down with Sam and staying with him and his dad and Pete as well, so that should be ok. His dad is very laid back and relaxed. It might even be nicer than home at the moment. Sally is all over the place with her mum, like you saw, and Father is not awfully jolly. (understatement)

What are your plans this summer, have you thought yet? I think being away when Johnny and Caspar get their results might be a good idea, but I don’t suppose I can. Again, I don’t think there will be much family holiday happening, but Sam and Pete will be around quite a bit of the summer, and we thought we might try and go see a few universities. I know they’ll be empty, but at least we could look round the cities a bit, a few days out train or car…….

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Well done on your Part Ones (why are they part one again and next year part two, but it’s called a tripos?) that’s really good. Jealous that you have finished for the term more or less, though hopefully the biology field trip next week will be ok, at least Sam is going so that helps, and the class is nice. Unfortunately the geography lot go to the same place at the same time, which is nice for the teachers, but a lot of them are not my favourite people. Oh well.

Home is okish. I think Sally’s mum really will die soon from what she said last time. Gwinny is devastated, poor kid. I don’t know if you want to come to the funeral, and I’m not trying to pressure you, but you might want to think about it so you know. Depends when it is I suppose, if you’re away already then perhaps not. Grape picking again? I think Father didn’t mean to be surly, he just rather hoped you might want to work in his office over the summer, I think he hopes you will even take a job there afterwards. It’s his way of missing you, I suppose. Not telling you what to do, but thought I’d say.

Gwinny’s swimming is really good now, she’s even talking about trying for the school team next year. We’ve had a lot of fun going, she has some nice friends, with nice families if you see what I mean. 

Johnny and Caspar are all over the place now their exams are finished. Father says they should get jobs, but since you and I didn’t, he can’t really make them. Caspar passed his driving test, first time, after a week’s course for his birthday present. He always does everything so easily. Still, neither Father nor Sally will trust him with their cars, so that doesn’t get him far. I know, it isn't a competition. When did you start being the sensible one?.......

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Field trip was not so bad. Actually, the work was really interesting, and we just avoided the lot who wanted to drink and be silly in the evenings. 

No, none of Gwinny’s friends have nice older sisters. Of course I didn’t mean that. I just meant their parents are nice, or a couple of them have brothers who take them swimming same as I do her, so it’s a bit of a laugh sometimes. (stop it)

I think working in Father’s office but in a different department sounds a really good compromise, and it does, as you say, mean you’ll earn more in less time, so you and Stella can have a really nice proper holiday afterwards. Father did hrumph a bit about you and her going away together, just the two of you, beds and so on, but Sally laughed at him and told him he was out of date, so he seemed to shut up. But I guess he might decide to say something to you, be warned.

Looking forward to seeing you soon. I don’t have much else to say, I just thought I’d write I don’t know why……..


	3. Third Year

_Michaelmas Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

I expect Malcolm will have written to you as well, but there is so much to say and I bet he will get it wrong or forget half of it and anyway I want to tell you. It’s more my news than his. And I want to hear what you think of it all, so I’m sorry but you’re going to have to write to both of us.

So.

You know Johnny has gone back into the sixth form, though only just, and Caspar only went away this week, his placement in France starting so late, well we were all having dinner the other night, his last night, when the doorbell rings. Everyone glared at each other, and then I went to answer it. There was a man there and he didn’t look like he was selling things, so I waited to see who he said he was, only then I recognised Katie was with him so I said “hello Katie, is this your dad?” And he said, “yes I bloody am and I want to see your father young lady, I’ve got words to say to him”. And I saw Katie had been crying, so I said he’d better come in. 

He did. And I called to your Dad to come through, though I don’t really know why, but he did anyway. And then Katie’s father started shouting at him something awful, and for a moment I couldn’t understand but then I heard him say “your bloody son’s got my little girl into trouble right enough, he’s her boyfriend, been taking her out for months, I’ve made him welcome, we’ve let him under our roof, he’ll marry her, I’m not having my little girl left like this, bad enough she’s going to have to leave school”. 

And of course because he said your son, your dad and I both thought – Malcolm. And then I thought, no that can’t be right, so I said, because your dad had forgotten I was there, “Katie is Caspar’s girlfriend” and your dad looked so relieved and yet at the same time really, really cross. I think when he thought Malcolm he knew it couldn’t be right, not mister safety first always be careful and he never goes out anyway, but Caspar. I was really shocked because Caspar isn't, well, I hadn’t thought he was so careless. Only it could be true. And Katie sort of nodded a bit, and her dad was like, “yes, bloody Caspar bloody Brent,” and then you could sort of see him remembering and he shrugged and said “sorry mate, not your son is he, but still,” and your dad looked furious and said “I’ll swing for those boys, I swear I will one of these days,” and then he looked at Katie and said “you’d better come in to the living room, Gwinny go and get your mother and Caspar”.

So I went back to the kitchen, and they must have all heard, because Mum was almost in tears, just looking at Caspar, and Caspar was shaking his head and like, “no, I don’t, we didn’t, she can’t be,” so I said “Jack says you have to go through and talk about it”. And they got up, and Caspar was all blotchy red like he wanted to cry, and all I could think was but he’s supposed to go to France tomorrow. They went, and then I sat down, and then I looked at Johnny, and he looked at me, and I knew, I just knew, and he knew I knew, so he said, “I’d better go and confess hadn’t I?” like it was a big joke, and I just glared at him.

Because I hadn’t said anything, but I did know he’d been seeing Katie since term started and Caspar hardly had, because of going off to France, and I don’t think he was too sad anyway, but still that wasn’t the point. So Johnny sort of sighed and went off, and then I looked at Malcolm and he was white as a sheet and sort of you know how he goes, locked in on himself, and then he stood up and said, “I’m sorry, Gwinny, I don’t – I think I’d better go to my room. None of this is my business.” And he went off.

But I heard him being really, really sick later, and I don’t know why, but I think it was something to do with Caspar, only he won’t talk to me, and they didn’t speak to each other before Caspar went. 

Anyway that night, there was a lot of shouting, and I didn’t hear it all, and then after a bit Caspar came back out, and said it was nothing to do with him, he might be a lot of things but he wasn’t a complete idiot what did I take him for, and I said “so, not like Johnny then”, and he said, “no, not like Johnny” and then he sighed. And we sort of sat there a bit, and then I thought no-one really wanted to eat more, so I started tidying up because I didn’t think Mum should be left with it and Caspar helped me, well, sort of, and then he said “does Malcolm know it wasn’t me” and I said yes. And then Caspar sort of scrubbed his hand over his face, and said he supposed it didn’t really matter anyway with going away soon, and before I could ask what he meant, he said “let’s go and put the telly on”, so we went up to your room where the telly is that we can use when Mum and Jack are being grown-up, and we just sat in front of it all evening.

But I heard Caspar trying to get Malcolm to open his door later, only he wouldn’t. I don’t know what that’s all about. But I thought you ought to know.

Johnny is leaving school, well, he’s left. Jack and Katie’s father between them managed to find him a job at the garage, it’s kind of an apprenticeship thing, and they’ve agreed that in a few months’ time he and Katie will get married so that by the time the baby’s born hopefully they’ll have a flat and stuff or else be at her parents for a bit. I don’t think Johnny’s too happy, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy at the moment. I just keep thinking about the way Caspar looked, like he was going to be trapped, and how Johnny would have let him if I hadn’t already known. And it isn't that Katie isn't nice, because she is, and I can see how she’d rather marry Caspar, because well, you would, wouldn’t you, well not you, but you know what I mean, but she would have let that happen because she was too scared to tell her dad that she’d done it with Johnny not Caspar when they liked Caspar and didn’t really know Johnny, just because Johnny’s not her boyfriend. If that makes sense.

And poor Mum. She’s really upset, all kind of, well it’s a baby, a grandchild, isn't that lovely and a wedding, only she doesn’t really feel that at all, she’s just trying, only she really feels it’s a great horrible mistake. Your Dad’s being really nice. I think he’s just so relieved it wasn’t Malcolm. Or you, I suppose. And it gets Johnny out of his house, which he hasn’t said but I think he thinks.

Only I’m a bit worried about Malcolm. He’s ever so quiet. And not eating. And I don’t know about university applications and interviews, but isn't that all supposed to be happening now for him and he doesn’t need this putting him off, you know what he’s like.

So I wanted to write to you, because I’m going to be an auntie! And I’m actually quite excited in a funny way. But I think you should check on Malcolm.

I hope all is ok with you and Stella,

Love from 

Gwinny

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I expect Gwinny has written and told you it all by now. I can’t say I’m awfully surprised at Johnny, nor sorry that he will be moving out soon enough. 

Gwinny seems quite happy about the whole thing, but at the same time it’s rather scared her, as they can only have risked it a couple of times, so I suspect Gwinny will be very, very cautious in the future, which isn't a bad thing I suppose. 

Father is cross, but not as much as I thought he would be. Maybe he is glad Johnny will move out soon, though if he thinks that’s the end of trouble there, I think he’s wrong. He tried to have a serious chat with me the other day about you and Stella and did I think you were sensible, and I said yes of course, you were always sensible and responsible, so I hope I was right, and he nodded. Then he looked at the floor a bit and asked if I had a girlfriend so I said no, and he sat there silently for a while before he said of course he didn’t have a girlfriend until he was at college and no-one should feel pressured to start young and it was better not really as this showed. I’m not quite sure what he meant, but if he says anything to you, well. I’m fine, and I don’t have a girlfriend and I wouldn’t be so silly if I did.

Sally is really upset about the whole thing especially at the moment. She’s still really grieving for her mum I think. I suppose you would be. I wish there was something I could do, but the trouble is there isn't anything practical I can do. I rather wish I wasn’t going to be left here with both her boys gone soon enough, but there isn't anything I can do about that. At the moment I’m spending a lot of the evenings working in my room, partly because I need to with Oxford entrance exam coming up, and partly it’s better than being around everyone else.

I hope you are well and settled back in to Hall, and work ok, and Stella too…….

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I don’t know what Gwinny meant. And I wasn’t being odd in my letter. I don’t know what bloody Caspar thought or what he did or didn’t do, and he’s gone now anyway. What difference does it make what I thought when it seemed it was him? No I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t recall you having one all through school, actually. And no, I don’t know what you mean about did anything happen to put me off back at boarding school. I don’t think I want to have this conversation by letter.

I’m fine. Work is fine. School is fine. Chess is fine.

I hope you are finding it easy to talk about beyond graduation with Stella. I can’t imagine you having a proper job really, or being married to her, but then I can’t imagine you not being with her ever, so maybe I’m just not very good at that sort of thing. I don’t know how it would feel to be in love like that, but I am really happy for you, honest. And I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me so. I’m not a little boy anymore……

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Of course Sally didn’t mean she wasn’t pleased for you. It’s just on top of all the Johnny stuff, I think, hearing you are getting engaged and that you have interviews lined up for serious jobs, she just felt a bit – I don’t know how to put it. 

Congratulations though. I know I said it on the phone, but I am really, really happy for you. Stella is so nice, and I know you’re going to be happy, and make me an uncle but not too soon please, I don’t think Sally and Father could cope with two shotgun weddings in one year! (joke) And deciding to get married so you can find jobs near each other and everything seems really sensible to me. 

Yes, alright, I suppose I am a bit jealous. You seem to have life so worked out. And I still have all of this year to get through, and I don’t think the Oxford exam went as well as I’d hoped, and even if it did, I still have to do A-levels and then university, and yes, I’m jealous you have Stella. Not of Stella, of course, but of you being so sure and happy. Sorry. I’m pleased for you, I just want that too.

Gwinny is delighted, I expect you gathered, she thinks Stella is the coolest person ever, and her only worry is that she won’t be allowed two wedding outfits if your wedding is too close to Johnny’s. So if you could make it a different season, that would be popular. Oh, and she’d like you to live near here or where she ends up going to university so she can babysit. Not sure how you’re supposed to guess that one. 

You know how pleased Father is. He actually walks round smiling and talking about you to people. (understatement)……

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Well, I can’t believe it, I’ve been called for interview at Oxford. It’s the weekend before you come home, after their (and your) term ends, so I presume you’ll be here when I hear, which is nice. At least I’ve got this far, I just hope I can feel the right way, either that I don’t want to go if I don’t get it, or that I do if I do. Right now, I’m really pleased, but desperately worried as well.

I’m glad you can stay until after Johnny’s wedding, and yes, Caspar is going to be back for it, which Sally is pleased about. Gwinny still very excited. I can quite see why Stella isn't too keen, to be honest I don’t think I’m that keen, although on the whole I think it will be a happy occasion. At least, happier than it looked as though it would be back in September. Johnny is doing well at his cars, and they seem to be likely to get a flat, again through someone knowing someone I think, but still. Better than being in with her parents who still don’t think much of him (and who can blame them?).

I don’t know why you’re surprised I said I wish I had someone like you have Stella. Isn't that what most people want? 

Gwinny’s hockey is going well this year, yes, and I have been taking her to most of the matches. It’s just become such a routine I didn’t even bother to say. Sorry…….

 

 

_Hilary Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

I know I have not written to you very often while you have been away, and I am sorry for that. Over Christmas it struck me that very likely you will not be here much more, and I am sorry for that too. 

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in marrying your lovely Stella, and I know you will be very happy. The job offer sounds ideal, and I hope she can find something in the same area. If there is anything we can do to help, or to help with finding a place, please let us know.

Thank you for spending so much time with Malcolm. I will never understand that boy. You’d think he would be pleased we are all so pleased and proud of him, but no, he seems to resent us telling people about his Oxford offer. And for all he is very good with Gwinny (thank goodness for Gwinny I say) and I can certainly see why he is not close to Johnny anymore, he and Caspar used to get on well I thought. This Christmas they were like scalded cats, never in the same room at once. After Johnny, I cannot quite believe I am saying this, but I wonder if a nice girl would be the making of him. Perhaps when your work and his allows, he could come and stay with you for a weekend, give him a taste of university life? He seems so very serious all the time, and so quiet. I wish he would spend more time with us, but he disappears off to his room almost all evening, unless he and Gwinny are playing chess. Even that they do away from us a lot of the time. The house seems very quiet indeed these days, and I have to remind myself to be glad of it. 

If you could talk to him a bit, and reassure him, I would be grateful. I have tried to say I don’t expect him to be just like you, he is himself, and that is fine, as Sally told me to, but I am not sure he hears me. Coming from you, he might listen, you have always been close.

I enclose a cheque to top up your grant. You are very good never asking, so here it is, a gift. Save it or spend, I shall not ask.

Your 

Father

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Yes, I would love to come and stay that weekend. As you say, things are not too hectic here at the moment, and with no more interviews to go to, halfterm weekend would be perfect. Thank you. 

Gwinny is probably a bit peeved it is my turn, but she has been to stay before, as I told her, and besides, she can come to stay with me or Caspar (I expect) next year. He is good to her, whatever else.

Looking at your letter, I am a bit worried though that you say we have things to talk about, I can’t imagine what. Are you going to ask me to be your best man or something? Because yes I will, but I don’t mind if you have a friend instead, I am not likely to be very good at the whole speeches thing. Whatever you want. 

Sally is planning a weekend away with Gwinny now, that weekend, so that will cheer her up. I suppose Father will enjoy having the house quiet too…….

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Thank you for having me to stay, I had a great time. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But if Neil is one of your friends, I don’t see why you are so surprised. Maybe it was me that surprised you. Maybe we should have talked about it, only we never do, and I didn’t know how to say.

It isn't, before you say it, anything to do with anything that might have happened, but didn’t, at that school. It’s just how I am. I always have been. And I’m really, really grateful to Neil for making it feel alright and normal. Please don’t go rushing in to protect me, I don’t need it, and I don’t expect to hear from him or anything like that. It was just a snog and a bit of a grope. I don’t believe even you haven’t done that, before Stella, with someone just for fun, so don’t try to tell me off for it or make him feel like he did something wrong.

Thank you for the weekend, for the meals out, the party, and everything. Thank you for letting me spend time with you and Stella and get to know her better. I don’t think she minded what happened as much as you did, but I’m sorry if she did. 

No, I don’t think I want to tell Father anytime soon, or anyone who doesn’t need to know. I wasn’t going to tell you yet, but well. But no, a nice girl isn't going to help.

I don’t want to talk about Caspar. 

Ever.

Take care, and I hope the rest of term is fun. Good luck to Stella with her job interviews, thank you for asking me to be best man. I still won’t mind if you change your mind.

Love

Malcolm

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

I don’t know what you did, but since Malcolm came back from staying with you, he has been really happy. Not loud, you know Malcolm, but just happy. I tried asking him, but he just grinned and shrugged.

Anyway, me and Mum had a really good time in Bath. There were not too many shops (!) but I’ll admit we did a bit of spending. And I had my ears pierced! Mum said I could, as I am fourteen now. I think your Dad was a bit shocked, but he said it was up to Mum, and what did he know about girls. It didn’t hurt at all, and soon I will be able to take the studs out and wear proper earrings like Mum does. Malcolm says he will take me to choose some nice ones when I can, he says wearing cheap metal is what makes ears infected. I don’t know how he knows, but I expect he read it somewhere.

I have to tape over them for hockey, but that’s ok, lots of girls do. Hockey is still going really well, and I have scored more goals than anyone else so far this season, but Malcolm says I mustn’t boast because I wouldn’t if the rest of the team weren’t any good. Not that he has ever really played hockey, but I suppose he used to play football. And he does still come and watch, even though Mum is around most Saturdays now with Granny being dead. 

Johnny hasn’t been over for ages, I think he and Jack had a big row, and he is sulking, but I don’t care. He should be spending time with Katie anyway really, though I think Mum is a bit sad that she isn't being asked about buying stuff for the baby. She met Katie’s mum the other day, and she was all full of looking at prams and things and Mum must have felt left out. But then she said perhaps it was different with a son to a daughter. I don’t know, but I can’t imagine wanting a baby ever. I saw Katie last week, waiting outside school to talk to her friends, and she just looks sort of tired. Already. But then she is living with Johnny, which is enough to make anyone look like that really.

Malcolm said Stella had an interview coming up for the job she really, really wants, so I hope that went/goes ok. Do let us know, won’t you? And are you home for Easter, or when? I won’t make you come to any hockey games, it’s quite safe! I had to choose my O-levels last week, and Malcolm says I am quite mad because I am doing French and German, but I like languages though I don’t think I am anywhere near as good at them as Caspar. I am doing chemistry and biology though I have dropped physics, only Malcolm won’t be around to help me next year, which I am a bit worried about, but he says he will look at stuff with me in the holidays or I can write. Plus if he goes to Oxford (he still insists on the if, even though he really only has to turn up to get his offer in the exams) he won’t be very far away and he says I can come to stay or just for the day really on the train. Which is very exciting, if he remembers.

Anyway, I hope you are well,

Love from

Gwinny

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

No, of course I haven’t said anything to Gwinny, and I won’t. She’s too young to make her lie to Sally and Father. At least, I know we all have before, but that was different. And before you say it again, I’m in no hurry to have that conversation. Why bother, anyway, I know Sally will try but be thinking well, perhaps Johnny isn't the worst, and Father, well. 

Anyway. I didn’t know I was looking any different, but maybe I do. It’s kind of nice to have it sorted in my mind. Thank Neil for me, I don’t really think I have anything I need to talk to him about, I’m no more keen on talking than I ever was, but the offer was kind. And yes, I understand he isn't the boyfriend type. What makes you think I am? (joke, mainly, I don’t know what type I am really as far as that goes).

Also, don’t be daft, Gwinny does not have a crush on me. She just is used to having four big brothers and is left with only one now. Caspar doesn’t even write to her, the bastard, and Johnny, well. Johnny is busy, I suppose. Caspar doesn’t write to anyone much. Or phone. Sally finds that rather hard I think. I must be better next year, don’t let me forget.

Right now I’m just stuck into work mode, lots and lots of work to do. I know, how could I not, that I don’t have to do too well in these exams, I’ll still be going to Oxford, but the thought of turning up and being the only one without straight As…. Be nice to see you in a few weeks at Easter though. Remember to bring photos or whatever about the wedding, church, reception hotel, all that, I think you’ll be asked. (understatement)…….

 

 

_Trinity Term_

 

Dear Douglas,

I’ve sent a proper acceptance thing to Stella’s parents, but since you wrote I thought I’d better answer. Of course I’ll get there, wouldn’t want to miss you standing up in a posh suit voluntarily. And yes, I know Gwinny and Sally would be gutted if I didn’t. But I’ll be coming straight from here, having to cut short a bit to make it. That’s fine, I’m not grumbling (much). Wrote to Sally about that too, hoping they can at least give me a lift home from there, and fit my backpack in the car. Otherwise it’ll have to be train I suppose, unless they take two cars. Did suggest that actually. And yes, I saw the dress code. Not a complete barbarian you know.

I’ve said before, I don’t have to look after your sodding brother, he doesn’t need me, it’s none of your damn business anyway, and stop bullying him/me/us all in the name of protection. If there’s something he wants to tell me, he can tell me himself. Or he should be able to if you hadn’t bullied him into silence over the years.

Good luck with Finals and stuff,

Caspar

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Johnny and Katie have had the dearest little girl ever. She is called Emma Louise and she is very, very sweet. But I don’t think I ever want one. She cries a bit, but more Katie looks so tired and she can’t walk properly yet (ouch!), and she is still really fat, and Johnny is grumpy all the time.

I bought her a little fluffy rabbit and some books called Miffy, which I thought was lovely, but I don’t think they like them much. Oh well. Mum thinks she is gorgeous too, but I think she is a bit sad because Katie’s mum is round there much more and holds her more and helps all the time. They liked your teddy, but I don’t suppose they will write and say so. At least you bothered. Caspar hasn’t sent anything yet. I think he is still really cross with Johnny.

Anyway, I hope your revision is going well. I am revising too for school exams. Very happy it is the last time for physics! I don’t see why I should bother really, but Malcolm says it is good to practise revising on things that you don’t like. I think he is wrong. Love to Stella,

Love from

Gwinny

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Like you, I seem to be spending all my time working at the moment. Gwinny is (finally) in the school swimming squad this year so I don’t even need to stop to take her swimming as she goes so many times with them. No chess tournaments this year, no, we decided it wasn’t a good idea with so much else on. We have been playing at school, but study leave starts soon, and I don’t suppose we’ll bother meeting up just to play chess. I have no idea if either Sam or Pete are queer, I doubt it, statistics would suggest not. Besides, this is hardly the moment to start something is it? I appreciate you are trying to be nice, but I’d actually rather not talk about it. I’ll tell you when (if) there is anything to tell. I never asked you about girlfriends did I?

Is Stella ok? It’s a shame her mum has been like that, she must be really hurt. I can’t imagine how that must feel really, to be told that the exams she’s spent three years working for don’t matter now she’s engaged and she should just concentrate on learning to keep house, not be thinking about her job. I hope you aren’t going to be like that with her. I can’t see it, not after Sally. She was never like that. I suppose Mother isn't either now, I think. Perhaps that’s something Father has got better at over the years then. 

Did you ask Mother to the wedding? I don’t know if you talked with Father about it, but it just occurred to me I’d rather know. 

Johnny’s baby looks like a small rodent. Don’t tell anyone I said that, but it does. Sorry, she does. Johnny seems happy enough with her, and so does Katie, so perhaps they all look like that. I don’t like to ask. Be warned, and be prepared to say nice things. She howls a lot too, but then if I was stuck in a flat with Johnny and Katie for the next eighteen years, I’d howl. They liked the teddy you sent, so well done Stella on that. (I don’t believe you chose it.) I bought her a truck, and Katie sort of looked at me like I was weird, but Sally said it was cool and not to be pushing things on her until she is old enough to know what she likes. No, Caspar hasn’t sent anything. Why? Are you two fighting? (how can you be, you haven’t even seen him for ages. None of us have. Or heard from him hardly.)

Right, that’s my allotted revision break up, I’d better go and get on. Hope all well with you…..

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Lucky you, exams over. And now you have to wait for results, you say, but hardly long. And don’t say it again, I know I don’t need to worry, but I do and I will. And still five more papers to go.

No job lined up for the summer, no. Maybe should have thought about it, but I didn’t get organised. And I’d rather just sleep. Sally says I should learn some more ordinary life skills, like cooking and such, so maybe that’s a plan. I daresay Gwinny will need ferrying about.

Thanks for letting me know about Mother. Perhaps it’s as well she doesn’t come, I can’t see Father coping too well with Letitia from what you said, and I suppose it’s a fair point, not wanting to leave the chickens with people who don’t know them so well at a difficult time of year, it being hot there. No, I’m not bothered about going out to visit. My French is terrible, and what would I do there? If she writes to me, I suppose I’ll have to think about it, but I’m not bothered. Honest.

I still can’t really get my head round the idea of you going to balls. I know you have every year, and you keep saying I will too, though I’m dubious, but well. Black tie and gowns, it just seems an odd way to have fun. Punting too, I doubt is going to be my thing, not nearly butch enough. Maybe I’ll find a lovely man to take me down the river. (joke. Sorry. Just playing with being able to say things like that to you.)

Suppose it isn't that long until you’re home, and finished, but maybe I shouldn’t say that. Enjoy the last few weeks. Looking forward to seeing you, actually, even though it’ll be weird as well, being the last time at home together……..

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Well done! That’s fantastic news! I know you are home really soon, but I wanted to send you this really cool card. Everyone is really pleased for you. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to live up to you and Malcolm. At least I should do better than Johnny when it’s my turn, there is that. 

Four weeks of you at home, and then you get married and off you go! Wow. I can’t quite believe that. And then Caspar is home for five weeks before he goes, and then Malcolm has four weeks left. And then it is just me. Except for holidays I suppose when Caspar and Malcolm will come back.

I hope they are speaking to each other again by then.

Well done, and well done to Stella too, though I am posting her a card too.

Love from

Gwinny


	4. After Graduation

Dear Douglas (and Stella),

I never thought I would write to you on your honeymoon, and of course you won’t read this until you get home, but I think you will need to know this stuff. I am going to mark my envelope ‘read this first’ so I hope you have done. Your Dad has written as well, and I expect Malcolm. But I bet they won’t explain it all so well. I know them.

I hope you loved your wedding day. It was marvellous, I thought. And Stella looked lovely, and so did you, and her parents are really nice, and her sisters were lovely to me, it was really nice. And the food. I never had a posh buffet like that before. 

Well. You know Caspar had only flown in the night before, so we hadn’t really talked, only picked him up from the airport, and come straight on to the hotel, and him and Malcolm were supposed to share a room while I got one of my own with you being off at Stella’s brother’s house, but Malcolm and I had arranged privately that we would swap, because I wanted my brother to myself. And that was fine, he told me loads about France (though now I am wondering if he left loads out), and it was a really good evening. But him and Malcolm were still not speaking at all, only it didn’t show much with Mum and me being so keen to hear everything, and your Dad and Malcolm are quiet anyway.

So. The next morning, we all got ready, like you do, and breakfast, and it was only when we were getting ready to go to the church that I sort of looked at Caspar and saw he was dressed differently. I can’t explain how, but you saw him, you know what I mean. I mean, it was a suit and everything, like you do, but sort of differently fitted, and I thought just French perhaps. Only I noticed Malcolm noticing too. And then while we were waiting for the taxis, the wind kind of blew his hair (which your Dad had said already was too long and messy, but I thought looked rather good) and I saw he had an earring. Just one. And your Dad didn’t see (thank goodness), but I think Sally did, and Johnny certainly did because he frowned, and Malcolm kind of looked at Caspar, and Caspar looked at him, and he sort of twiddled his earring, which is a really, really odd feeling, I have to tell you, and Malcolm kind of blinked. And then the taxi arrived, and I sort of ignored it all, because they were always a bit silly, loads of in-jokes, so I didn’t think anything of it.

And the ceremony was lovely. And then all the standing about for photos, and Malcolm was with you and organising everything, being Best Man, and Johnny and Katie were with me and Caspar so I didn’t have much chance to say anything. Only there was a moment when Malcolm came over to get us, and he and Caspar were doing that weird staring thing again, only Johnny started off talking, and the photographer was impatient.

Then of course Malcolm was sat on the top table with you two, and Mum and Jack and Stella’s parents, and we were with Stella’s sisters and their husbands, and that was fine, only again, Caspar was kind of quiet, and Johnny was loud like he is, and Katie had to keep going off to look after Emma Louise, so well. Anyway. Then you had all the speeches, and I thought Malcolm did jolly well, but even so Caspar had no need to sit and stare like he did, and then when Malcolm sat down, I don’t suppose you noticed, but they were staring at each other again, and Malcolm was going really pink about the ears. I never noticed him do that before, but he was looking really kind of embarrassed, and I didn’t know why, and then there was dancing. And everyone was sort of what do they call it? Mingling. And you danced and it was lovely, though you aren’t really very good, and Malcolm came over to sit with us, only he was very quiet. And I kept trying to make them talk, but they wouldn’t, and then Johnny went off to the bar, and he didn’t come back, and then I thought maybe it would be better if we left them because maybe Caspar needed to apologise or something and he’s always been rubbish at that, so I said to Katie why didn’t we take Emma Louise outside for a bit to cool down and see if she’d settle, and we did. 

And as we were walking away from the table I heard Caspar say “so, Oxford then. Not UMIST” and Malcolm nodded and his voice was all tight like he used to be all the time and he said, “thought it would suit. Full of, what was it, frosty little queers like me.” And there was a pause, and I knew Caspar wanted to say something but he’s hopeless sometimes, so Malcolm went on, “Manchester though. Don’t suppose you’ll be going down the Village. Not you.”

I’d stopped, you understand, because I wanted to make sense of what was going on, and this seemed like my only chance. They thought they were speaking quietly, but I’m good at listening. Katie had gone ahead, and I was just by the next table, sort of behind a pillar thing.

Anyway. Then Caspar gave a sort of gulp, like he does when he’s screwing himself up to something, and “might do. Depends. Would be more fun if – if you were there.” And I looked round then, because I thought maybe they wouldn’t notice, and he was looking down at his hands, and I wanted to smack him because even I know that is not the way to do it, and he really is hopeless, only then he said, “missed you. Made such a bloody mess of things.” And Malcolm, who isn't really much better, just said, “you could have written. All this time.”

And I really was about to go over and shake them, when I realised one of Caspar’s hands was under the table now, and so was one of Malcolm’s and they must be holding hands. So I thought I didn’t need to, and I went off to see where Katie was, and she was a bit drunk so I had to help change Emma Louise’s nappy.

And I really, really don’t think I am sure about ever having a baby.

So the rest of the evening they just sort of were almost normal, only quiet, well, quiet is normal for Malcolm, but not for Caspar so everyone said he must be tired from travelling. And then after you two had gone off, but before Mum and Jack could really notice, I managed to pull Malcolm away, and we went off and changed our things over so they could have the room together and talk. Or whatever. Malcolm does blush funny when you say things like that. Try it.

So I was really, really nice the next day, and said I would travel back in Johnny’s car, which I hate, to help Katie with Emma Louise, who hadn’t slept well at all, and to be honest, Johnny looked pretty dreadful too, which meant with Mum and Jack going off for a little holiday together, Malcolm and Caspar had all the journey home too.

And I expect Malcolm will tell you what he wants you to know. But I just hope you can be nice to him about it. Because he looks really, really happy. And so does Caspar. 

I think Mum kind of knows, but she hasn’t said anything. I don’t know about your Dad. I’m sure Johnny doesn’t because he keeps teasing Caspar about girls, and will he be the next one to get married or will Malcolm beat him to it, and I just want to shake him but it’s best not I suppose.

Anyway. I hope you have had a lovely honeymoon, I expect you have, and that work starts ok, and this flat is lovely, and stuff. 

Love from

Gwinny

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Now this time, really, really, please do not come charging in to rescue me. I am fine. Everything is fine. 

Caspar is wonderful.

He has done a lot of thinking while he was away. I think someone like Neil happened to him too, if you see what I mean. And well, we never managed to sort things out before. But I wanted this, and now he says he did too, only I didn’t know he did, and maybe I’m not as obvious as I think I am because I thought he knew I did, only he didn’t. He thought I ran away, when I thought he did. And I’m not making much sense.

Sorry.

But that’s how I am at the moment. Giddy. Like flying. 

Try again.

I suppose the only way to put it is that I am going out with Caspar, we are boyfriends. Only that doesn’t sound right for someone I know so well, and I know, we know, it’s more than that.

And I know being in different cities will be difficult for the next three years, but it’s only termtime, and it’s worth it. And we can visit. But why did I let you talk me out of UMIST? (unfair)

No, I haven’t told Father yet. Or Sally, but I think she might have guessed.

That’s all about me, sorry. I hope you have had a wonderful time, and all well, and talk to you soon maybe if you get the phone sorted out.

Love from

Malcolm

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Alright. This time you can tell me to look after your sodding brother. Except I don’t need telling. I’m sorry, alright? I screwed up. And he is rubbish at showing how he feels. I was scared, I’m not as brave as him. 

And you seem not to have bullied that out of him, so I’m sorry for all the times I said you did, ok?

But from now on, it’s none of your damn business, between us. Unless he needs you, I suppose.

Thanks for your wedding. Best night of my life. (joke. Except it isn't.)

Caspar.

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

This is not the letter I expected to write for you to read when you come home from your honeymoon, but I suppose you had better know.

Your brother Malcolm appears to be, and I do not quite know how to put this, Malcolm and Caspar appear to be, much more than friends. I daresay you know what I mean. They seem very happy about it, and apparently that is what matters. I suppose Sally and I will get used to the idea. I hope Stella isn't too shocked when you have to tell her.

More importantly, your wedding day went well, I thought, as something of a connoisseur having had two myself. I hope the honeymoon has been perfect and that all is well when you arrive here at your flat. If not, as ever, you know where we are.

I am not one for words, but, if you are as good a husband and father as you have been son and brother, Stella is a lucky woman.

Enclosed, the cheque we discussed to help you start out right. Perhaps a car would be useful, but it’s up to you two. 

Your

Father

 

 

 

 

Dear Douglas,

Caspar has gone boyfriends with Malcolm, and they both have diamond earrings to prove it. 

Better than pink footballs, I suppose. (remember?)

Thanks for the wedding, the nearest we’ve had to a holiday this year, or likely to be for a bit. To be honest, when Emma is howling the way she does, I wonder if our brothers have the right idea. (joke. I couldn’t. but there, takes all sorts.)

Hope all well with you,

Johnny


End file.
